Pregnancy Reflections part 1

Pregnancy is sacred, beautiful, and yet also the most terrifying, sickening process. During my pregnancy, I tried to resort to journaling, even though most days, doing anything cerebral makes me vomit. Below are some of my journal entries. They are edited to leave out some deeply personal and confidential information.

Sharing is beautiful and here I am opening my journey so that it can lessen any pain, fear, anxiety that an expecting mother may feel.

First Tri-semester

7 weeks

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Dear Love,

My beautiful seed, you are (im)planted

We went to see my primary doctor, Dr.Nguena, today and my pregnancy was confirmed.It was not surprising to see the blood test result. The drug store pregnancy tests also show double lines, although your dad contested the answer because the second line in both had faint double lines.

I cried for you, I cried for joy and happiness. I could not wait to be your mom and give you the world that you deserve.

I am ready, and I already love you so much. I want to see you in the flesh and nurture your soul. I can’t wait to meet you!

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Dear son,

Born in a former war zone in Vietnam, I grew up listening to our community’s recollections of colonization and war. On my daily walks to school, I walked past stretches of unnamed graves, careful not to step on abandoned, yet possibly active landmines. It was these explosives that took the lives of my uncle, neighbors, and thousands of others.

Years have gone by but painful remants of the village still remain. I hope that one day you can return to the motherland and unravel our complex history of war and peace.

Here’s my poem written during first tri-semester, maybe somewhere along/between the lines, you can begin to unravel my, our past.

The taste of honeysuckles

My trinh, binh dinh

each summer evening

she walks to the woods with her sister

the village is still grieving

nameless graves stretched over the horizons

crying out for lost soldiers, civilians, and mothers

she looks for honeysuckles

plucks the flowers from their green armors

unto the mouth –the sweet taste of nectar

sugar lingers in the tongue

too young to brood over past troubles

from leaves to sleeves,

toxins filled the lungs

bombs dropped over the hill,

“Shoot to kill!”

children ran towards foreign handsome devils

the fawn weaves her sorrow

she wove a necklace from flower petals

colors glowed like the sunset

from yellow to red signaling,

soon dawn brings tomorrow

2nd Trimester

15 week

Today I caught a cold.

I am four months pregnant, sitting outside the patio on the back deck. I’m drinking honey lemon tea and reading a book When breath becomes air. My head hurts from the minute I wake up to now, it’s throbbing. It feels like there are two running trains attached to my head and they are pulling my brain in opposite directions. The humdrum of the daily headache is so awful. My stomach also hurts and it feels like I’m on a roller coaster, ready to vomit.

I thought my pain is because of the flu but this is actually the state of pregnancy. The only difference is that I have a runny nose. Being pregnant means putting up with hundreds of days of internal and physical suffering. To prepare for birth is preparing your body to work against you. To expel this life out of your body, it must prepare its organs for war.

16 week pregnancy

You love the sun. You love being outside. There were so many mornings in which I woke up feeling sick. A breath of fresh air would bring me back to peace . I would sit, eat and read outside as much as possible.

While the world has yet to know your existence, I have. I feel so lucky and blessed to have you growing inside me.

I have been reading the book When breath becomes air, about a young doctor writing as he confronts terminal cancer. The book is about life as much as it has about death and thus it inspires me to write to you as well. To write reflections, not only my health as I bring you into this world, but the lessons, struggles, and triumphs that I and our ancestors have faced. I love you so much my son.

Perhaps pregnancy itself is mother nature calling the mother back to her own upbringing. I grew up in the countryside of Vietnam. It is pristine, beautiful, untapped by the tentacles of westernization since the war ended. There was a huge mango tree in front of our home, coconuts, papaya trees and jackfruits surrounding the front and backyard. Sometimes we throw in a hammock between the trees and catch a good nap (as long as the coconut doesn’t land on our head). I am missing that and I hope to raise you there as much as possible

Week 18 reflection

Fourth of July

Dear Azanh,

We have finally your name! It means a call to Prayer in Arabic and also has
“anh” which means older brother in Vietnamese.

Your middle name is Khai which also have Arabic and Vietnamese roots.

Today is the Fourth of July weekend. Lately I’ve been throwing up again, especially when I am stuck in the home for a long time so I asked your dad to take me to the park. We are now here at Panola mountain in stock bridge and hiking around the hike and woods. It feels Amazing as we are few of the only ones here and I love the tranquility.

I also want to take some time to reflect on freedom and what I mean. The fourth celebrates the Declaration of Independence. While our ancestors’ roots are newly established, we also have fought for independence in our home country, Vietnam. Likewise for your fathers side, whose dad fought in the Bangladesh independence. I will share you stories of our past and tell you how you ended up here from parents from different parts of the world.

Hawaii 21 weeks

Hawai‘i Volcanoes National Park

I sit here at the edge of a volcanic crater in Hilo, Hawaii where hardened black rocks formed from volcanic eruptions decades ago. Below me are high sea cliffs, where water violently crashes against the shores. I look out to see the Pacific Ocean with its deep dark blue water — contrasting the baby blue sky. It is a windy day, to my left, miles away but still visible, are green coconut grooves swaying playfully to the wind. It’s hard to believe that thousands feet above the ground and amid the arid climate, there are plants growing, including my favorite, honey suckles. They too grow in Vietnam, among tombstones and places that has been bombed during the war. Even in through the most violent and destructive forces, life emerges.

and that will also be how I will create you, my son. Inside me, there are two hearts, two lungs, beating and pumping, until one leaves the body. Beneath my navel, maternal magma is heating up. Soon every muscle will be torn and my bones will break under the weight of water. A bodily earthquake meets a divine explosion. at the end of it all, a new life is formed.

Like these volcanoes, you will be born of fire, and along which you will carry passion and courage. and you, carrying my blood, shall also be born of sea, which I hope will instill in you sublimity and calmness.

Like the honeysuckles growing on the rocks, like the beautiful chain of Hawaiian islands, like planet earth,

you, my unfathomable creation, will emerge from hollowed out explosion.

Born of Fire, Born of the Sea Hawai‘i Volcanoes National Park

“Hawai‘i Volcanoes National Park protects some of the most unique geological, biological, and cherished cultural landscapes in the world. Extending from sea level to 13,677 feet, the park encompasses the summits of two of the world’s most active volcanoes — Kīlauea and Mauna Loa — and is a designated International Biosphere Reserve and UNESCO World Heritage Site”